Hi, Mr. Mueller. Apparently, you were like, boring, or somethin’ yesterday. When you did that testify thing and senators yelled at you for eighty nine millions hours. Yep. I’m thinking now you didn’t play to your audience.
Which is ‘murica.
No bells, no whistles? Come on! We’re trained lab rats when it’s politics time. If you’re not super-animated, waving your arms, shouting about socialists, how are we supposed to know to pay attention?
If you’re not throwing gang signs or white pride salutes or whatever, we check out. Bor-RING.
Where’s the fireworks? Where’s the pithy soundbite? Where’s the meme-able moment, old dude??
Did you know, by the way, that you’re old? I heard that so much yesterday I was confused. Do you not know your age, Mr. Mueller?? Are you some sort of weird JW sort who skips cake and present day?? WTF?!
After all, old dudes like you are tired and can’t remember shit. Except the Insane Shitweasel is older than you and actually can’t remember one set of feces from another set of feces at any given moment.
Also, it seems people forgot that Dougie Barr, Trump’s pet attack goblin, gave you some strict gotta do this instructions, so overgrown Boy Scout that ya are…
you decided to straddle the middle and just DO YOUR DAMN JOB.
I mean, hell’s bells, non-shouty old dude…
We wanted you to go all medieval on their asses.
You acted like it was just another day. Where you repeated, yet again, that there’s this sorta rule that says you can’t indict a sitting prezzie. Implying that the current thing in the WH is GUILTY AS ALL FUCK. Not a half fuck or a quarter of a fuck but the full fuck.
Obstruction of justice. Lying. Having aides lie to impede investigations. Oh yeah, also? Not a witch hunt and that Russia thing is for realsies. Oh my, oh dear, cue the twatwaffling from Fuck Your Face News blond shouty numpties.
It’s just a demonrat plot, they fed him the answers! Of course it’s a witch hunt!
No, it’s not, says Mr. Mueller.
He’s a dem operative working for Soros! He’s an old man who can’t remember doodle squat!
Impeach that motherfucker already, er, not a witch hunt. Not a witch hunt.
Hillary is behind this…what did Mueller say? What?? He’s old and insane and we’re the only real news. Just us. Just us!
I mean, hey, old Billy Clinton was impeached for one lie or somethin’. Or cannibalizing an entire red state in the Rose Garden as Hillary planned her world takeover. I don’t know which is true at this point. I’m thinking Bill Clinton really did chow down on an entire red state and they had to impeach him, praise Baby Jesus and the Machine Guns of God, hallelujah. Or the bodies would have piled up cause the Clintons are murder machines.
[There’s a trend over on Twitter or there was, about the Clinton body count. No, not even kidding. Not even a teensy tiny bit.]
They’ve got access to that Soros money! The secret Jewish cabal of endless money to turn the world into some sort of skate park! Stay tuned to watch Laura Ingraham rant for a whole hour about the Clintons and Soros money as she rides a dildo shaped like our beloved, dear, sweet, wonderful, so picked on it’s a crime, president! You go, girl! She’s gonna stick it to the libs in more ways than one!
Yeah, uh, yep.
My advice? My words of wisdom to you, Mr. Mueller?
Oh sure, I’m obscure. I’m a nobody. I’m a far left occasional blogger with a garden fetish. Sometimes I post pics of rocks I painted. But hey, listen to me anyway!!
Everyone’s opinion these days is, like, so valid and special and precious. You don’t have to be an expert in anything anymore. It’s GREAT.
So here goes:
Dude. Mueller. My human bloodhound friend—YOU GOTTA COWBELL EM UP.
Bring your Chris Walken A-game.
Bring the cowbell, don’t send someone out to find one as you sit there waiting for the screaming GOP senator to pause long enough for you to ask him to repeat whatever he just screamed cause you like to watch the veins pop out in their red, red faces.
Dazzle em. Razzle-dazzle em. That number from Chicago? Where the lawyer does tricks and soft shoe?? Yeah!!
We want Law and Order explosions, not the dull creaky unwinding of actual facts and what actually went down. Fuck!!
COWBELL, DUDE.
Cowbell.
This has been a Pubic Serviced Allotment from yours truly.
Gotta know the audience you play to these days. They’re trained to crave drama, quippy word salad and above all, a good time.
Come on, sir. Did you really think showing up, being all dignified and measured, with the patience to listen to that bullshit streaming from the right and the omg, can we impeach this motherfucker yet gritted teeth of the left…would, like, produce results that shoved the country out of the no-one’s trenches we’re in right now??
Mm?? WTF is the matter with you??
Cowbell em up, sir. It’s not the patriotic thing to do but hell, patriotism now means ‘Arbeit macht frei’.
See what I did there?
Dramatic use of historical phrases to end a thinly veiled primal scream over the state of America lately.
You take care, Mr. Mueller. We keep waiting for you to turn into Captain America crossed with Clarence Darrow or even Sam Waterston’s lawyer guy offa that Law and Order juggernaut.
That’s why you should get all theatrical and wave that damn cowbell.
Then maybe at least four more might pay attention or…vote for Trump anyway cause they can’t get inspired by the democratic candidate who once had tea and cookies with Satan. That’s what Hannity said!
Cowbell em up, sir.
ANN WUEHLER 