Ugha bugga boo. My face is swollen, there’s no gol durn ibuprofen and I might go make some coffee. My face feels better if I sit upright. And sitting in the living room watching reruns on TV Land [Roseanne, okay, I was watching Roseanne!] was giving me the sads. So why not turn my up all night with pain into some truly [crappy? wonderful? purloined? loined? no loins at all?] writing? Do some pages, maybe rework something that, when I read it later, I’ll hope I saved the earlier draft. Yeah, one of THOSE NITES. [Remember when Nick at Nite used to show classic sitcoms instead of…sads, uh huh. I worked a lot of graveyards in my day and NAN was my Jesus. The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Newhart, Barney Miller, Bewitched, All in the Family…pretty much a lot of shiny people having mild adventures in half hour time periods. You kids get off my lawn! That always sounds so funny in my head…hello, sads.]
Oh– the ‘skinny repeal’ of the ACA AKA Obamacare…just died in the latest vote. Three GOP senators [Murkowski, Collins and yes, McCain] just gave a hearty FU to Clownstick von Pumpkincunt and Mr. Turtletwat. [Mitch McConnell, for those who might not be American. If you don’t know who the Bad Pumpkin is…I can’t help you.] Yes, I’m CUSSING. My face hurts. Otherwise, I’d use polite dry language in the G-rated area. Yep. Oh, did anyone see or read the interview where the Bad Pumpkin’s newest hire [Scaramucci? I am far too lazy to go check spelling right now, sorry] jumped into X-rated language and hillbilly feudin’ time with others in the current clustermess that is the ‘murican gubbermint right now?? The line about the Bad Pumpkin’s closest adviser [Stevie ‘Sucks Himself’ Bannon]? Yeah. I just got a warm fuzzy sensation around my heart reading that.
Oh but…yesterday was also a bad day for being gay or transgender in Super Straight States of ‘Murica. Yeah. I wrote a whole rambly post about the Clownstick and its Twitter announcement about who can serve in the military. So. Yeah. I can’t even— that phrase just seems so apt lately. It fits. I can’t even. And you just stop, spluttering, foam dripping from your jaws. You’ve probably released your bowels a bit [sometimes outrage loosens those muscles that hold all your poop in…I might have made that up! or even gone for a snack full of carbs, chemicals, salt, corn syrup, fats and sprinkles.]
It’s late. There’s no ibuprofen. Thanks, Obama! [He is somehow to blame for the absence of over the counter cheap ass mild pain killers.] Oh, there’s aspirin but that’s so retro Nick At Nite back when they were showing MTM and Larry, Daryl and Daryl. [If you don’t know who Larry, Daryl and Daryl are…fuck you. Just a straight up we cannot be friends and go away.] Did I mention my face hurts which is why I’m up writing these words in clumps and clusters? Have a nice night.
Note to all concerned: can someone remind me not to write middle of the night, pain coloring my world view, posts? Or maybe write more of them? Or maybe stick to posting about unicorns and rainbows? Thanks! I should write a post about unicorns and rainbows…hello, August.
So, on the very date, back in 1948, Truman integrated US military forces…45 declares, via some fucking Tweets, that transgender folks can no longer serve in any capacity in the military.
Now, I just. Yeah. Uh.
Granted, there are some MAJOR SCANDALS AND TREASONOUS CRAP going on right now involving the Orange Clownstick of Fuckistan. Russia, for one, interfering in our election.
Allegedly, a’course. Pootie denies he allowed an army of trolls loose on our gullible ‘murikkans and Pootie never lies or kills journalists. Pootie also never headed the KGB. Nope! Pootie-Putin, sorry if I confused anyone.
Mueller and that onrushing crush of lawyers, testifying about who met with whom and if they spoke with a Russian accent, blah blah blah. Sessions now being told to stay put by the very people who told him to get his ass back to the antebellum South or wherever he actually slithered from. The Racist Elfboy is publicly ‘feudin’ with Clownstick, which is…probably another distraction. I’m losing track of which distraction I’m supposed to ignore and which distraction I need to like/hate on FB, or retweet/click that heart thing over on Twitter.
PART TWO: FROM A DISTANCE
Jesus in a Toyota Corolla, this would be such an entertaining shitshow if viewed from the comfort/nice coffee house or friendly local bar/pub/place where they serve adult beverages… of a stable, modern country not trying to turn back time. Watching from a safe nice distance as some laughably now-awful country [USA! USA!] tries to hide emerging acts of treason beneath blatantly obvious LOOK OVER HERE FUCKERS tactics. An actual, in your face, public attempt at setting up a dictatorship. In the land of democracy, apple pie and some other ‘murican stuff. [USA! USA!]
PART THREE: MEMES, MEMES EVERYWHERE
People have invoked the Handmaid’s Tale, Orwell’s 1984, uh…some other grim, humorless takes on what happens when it’s a very one-sided government. Just look at the memes, my dears! MEMES ARE EVERYWHERE.
With quotes on them! Dire, sour, clinical quotes lifted from dire, sour literature and reduced down for quick, indignant consumption. You can look them up yourself, of course. Listing them here will just bloat my already bloated ranty rant.
[Some are very accurate, so don’t get your long johns or pettipants in a roar, dears. See what I did there?] Oh– women, I read, in dealing with their Monthly Curse, way back when in olden times, the Victorian Age, for instance, might have just bled into their clothes. Yeah. We’ve come a long way, baby! Where was I?? Oh, memes and such and indignant quote mining.
PART FOUR: HISTORY? TURN BACK TIME?
As if…we’ve all failed history or never even heard of history. Gee, what happens when a single party rules an entire country, kids? What happens when that single party set of control freaks starts stripping rights from all others not in their special He-man Woman-Hater’s group? What happens when…??? Anyone? Anyone? Do I really have to write the names of those who took batcrap crazy to new and murder large swathes of people heights? Is your Google broken? Or your fucking brain?
Do I really have to write that shit gets bad, fast? Really?
Oh it can’t happen in America! We have checks and balances! Someone else, not me, will put a stop to that. I’m woke!
BWHAHA HA HA HA HA.
That’s my evil laughter, by the way. I produce it in my lower chest voice. Some people do that evil laughter with the M sound starting them off down the road of twirly mustache, maiden tied to train tracks evilness.
Nope. I’ll focus on Clownstick and the current GOP agenda to turn back time to some mystical man-only world where women existed to serve sammiches and make babies for wars.
Where there were no gay folks or transgender peeps or minorities OF ANY KIND trying to get all uppity. Where, yep, people knew their places. And they were happy in those places!
There were no single moms. Or women over thirty. No sluts or whores trying to get their lifestyle legitimized. Marches for rights were nice and sweet and that nice Dr. King never got in trouble. Schools didn’t teach that bad science stuff like evolution or that your gender is whatever you decide it is that day. People understood their place! Sob!! [Flag waves in the gentle breeze as Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the USA throbs from the speakers and orgasms in the ears of all red-blooded patriotic sorts before they settle in to watch an evening of bull riding, tractor pulling and Jeff Dunham’s puppets repeating easy to digest glurbs of comical gems.]
Hey, I’ve written something like the above before…that Glorious ‘murican Past where men ruled the roost and everyone else knew to suck it up and just let those manly men get on with it. Huh. Mm. My CD must b skipping today. My record has a scratch. Tee hee.
PART FIVE: POST-RACIST AMERICA ANY DAY NOW, DARLINGS AND DEARIES!
Yeah. I keep hearing this is the last gasp of that generation of overprivileged racist sexist knuckle-dragging sadsacks. Um. You sure about that, dears? Cause boy oh boy, is that same sentiment– whites only, shut up and go away the rest of you– quite strong in the younger set. That doesn’t dissipate. It goes underground and hibernates and waits for White Spring. [I’m blurbing about America’s history of blatant racism and then the poorly not hidden really at all attempts to include those ‘others’ into the American fold.] That prejudice and hatred, it hangs on, like mold. Like ingrained, never gonna Lysol that crap away mold. That ‘nationalism’ goes into burrows and lairs, then surges up when it gets the least itty bitty little chance, hello. History, anyone? Ugh. That’s right, history is a liberal plot to make us all turn into social justice wariors who hate Jesus and coal miners.
PART SIX: CLOWNSTICK VON PUMPKINCUNT
I’m looking at the reason Clownstick Von Pumpkincunt gives for banning transgender folks from serving in the US military. Vague medical twistings about how you can’t be transitioning and fire weapons or something. That transgender folks cause morale problems and disciplinary risks. That people just join the armed forces to get the military to pay for ‘the operation’. Which, apparently, will and does cost the military BAZILLIONS OF BUCKS. Ugh? I think every vague prejudice against transgender anyone was trotted out in that series of tweets. And people are nodding along to it, going, yeah, we need to…ugh. If people can be kept out for a skin mole, then sure, yeah, we should totally, like, ban all those people from serving. Cause, MAGA. LOL.
There are already transgender folks serving, RIGHT NOW, in the military, in all capacities. So. That came up, too. What about those serving honorably and what will happen to them now? Do they lose all their benefits and rank and…? Will they be discharged and…? Does this blanket ban get a vote in Congress??
I get it, Pumpkincunt is super-jealous of Obama, who made it okay for transgender folks to serve openly in the military. So, Pumpkincunt and probably Pence the Secret Masturbating Wunderkind Who Gets Off to Tiny Animals Being Stomped to Death by Jesus, went after an actual step forward in declaring All Lives Matter. By stating, no, no, your life and your right to serve your country does not matter because I hate Obama who is more bigly popular than me and I should get all the love and my crowd size is super-huge and I grabbed pussy and she liked it! It’s just locker room talk, boy scouts. And did I tell ya about that orgy my friend had with young teenage girls that the animals we let in, disguised as humans, want to rip apart? Settle in, boy scouts! Settle in!
I feel like I need a shower today. I just had one, I feel the constant filthy tides in ‘murica right now lapping at my hairy calves and I just want to…scrape my fingernails across my skin until the dirt comes off. Even if I start bleeding. Which is gross, right, gentlemen? Girls, blood, eh, gross me out the door!
PART EIGHT: NEARING THE END, MY FRIEND.
So, to end this weird, wandering diatribe– what the actual fuck is happening to my country? I keep asking that. I was never afraid and angry all the time under the Bushes or even Reagan. That’s right, I remember Papa Raygunz and how scared we all were that batshit crazy grinner was gonna start a nuclear fuckwar with…yeah, the USSR. He’d fall asleep with a mouthful of jelly beans and push THE BUTTON. The Day After, anyone remember that TV movie? Red Dawn? I’m sure there were other macho Hollywood movies about what would happen if THEY invaded US and we HAD TO FIGHT BACK.
But I never actually believed ole Batshit Crazy Raygunz would, um, destroy us all and talk about his dick size while he did so. You know he was hung like an elephant. [Ha ha, feeble GOP shoutout. Ha ha…sigh.] Oh crap, now I have a mind movie playing Nancy-Just Say No-Reagan playing hide the sausage with Mr. Teflon. [He was called the Teflon President as nothing stuck to him. Everyone around him got charged, indicted, smeared in public, but he escaped, more or less, all that fun. Iran-Contra, etc. Yep.]
I never thought Bush Daddy or Bush Junior would actually destroy us while waving a flag and talking about their crowd sizes and why Hilary Clinton needs to be investigated for Pizzagate. [Before Pizzagate had been invented by Alex Jones, of course. I was trying to tie the Bushes to Pumpkincunt for a slight comedic hyperbole effect. Okay!] I thought, and still do, they were not the best presidents but that they actually did give a care, at times, for others not in their pockets. They had manners and a basic public dignity to them. [Am I putting on some rose-colored glasses here because the present fuckstick shitting itself in public in the White House is just such a clusterfuck? I’m going with yes.]
Stripping entire groups of this, that, the other…is not the way to govern. It’s never been the way to govern. Do I really have to write that down? Going after a tiny minority group– less than or about 1% of the population– and accusing that group of bloating the military costs…um. Yeah. I. Well. Um. Fuck. It’s rather like LBJ signing the Civil Rights Act and then Nixon coming along and un-signing it. Something like that. Yeah, makes me wish, all over again, that I could watch this from a foreign shore and laugh my ass off at those Krazy Amerikkkans ripping their country to shreds out of pettiness, jealousy, ignorance, masculine vapors and every day common ole spite. All righty, what next in the ‘Distract Those Motherfuckers So We Get Away With This’ collection of tweets? I know!! Women don’t need to vote. It also raises the costs in our military [according to Jesus-Stroking Pence and the ICR institute] and they should be home taking care of all the kids they’re not allowed to abort because of ‘safety’ concerns [TRAP laws, bwha ha ha ha].
Make America Manly Again. Woot Woot.
“Annual military spending on Viagra: $41.6 million Cialis: $22.8 million Trans medical care: $8.4 million… ”
As July is coming to a rapid, hot as hell close, I thought, hey, why not one of the Beastface Bay tales to tide my lovely readers over until I snorgle out some all-over-the-place political rant on bagel dogs, slipper socks and houseplants, culminating in a last paragraph that attempts to promote something or other…ahem.
The following is not, I repeat, not an actual interview with a giant squid. I feel in these current climes of EVERYTHING IS FAKE NEWS ONLY I HAVE THE TRUTH WAH that I truly do need to state that, no, I did not, somehow, obtain an interview with a giant ex-pet of one Jesus. H. Christ. [H stands for Horsefly. I kid. I kid!] It’s just a fun little piece I wrote for this project I started a couple months ago. It’s a mixture of Faulkner, Twain, Euripides, Proust, and Stephanie Meyer. With a pinch of Louis L’Amour and a snip of V.C Andrews and a suggestion of Dickens. Also, some Thurber, and those people who write Positive Slogans for a living. Those people. Okay. I’ve hemmed and hawed enough. Here ya go!!
INTERVIEW WITH FURBO D’FURR
The following is taken from an interview with the author of Truth’s Rainbow. I have omitted the interview formatting, and if you like, you can read this in its novel-length entirety in the Obscure Writer’s Annual Review, back issue VII. “Furbo” is a squid, and one of the ex-pets of Jesus. She learned to talk but hid it, instead choosing to shout out ‘vengeance’ with the other squids. Bess, name protected to protect her from detection and lawsuits and smitings, dictated her story to a sympathetic aquarium worker, who then turned that into a novela, which, unfortunately, has not been selling that well. This squid prefers Bess to Furbo. She is also planning a graphic novel about zombie vampire squids who have to defend their underwater castle from attacking shape-changing whales. I have high hopes this new venture will take off. Having read the first few chapters, it looks like a blockbuster winner of epic proportions.
Jesus grew tired of us. That’s why Henny escaped and wreaked havoc there in Beastface Bay. If Jesus had cared at all, still, for us, Henny wouldn’t have gotten anywhere.
After all, we lived in giant, all-comforts-provided pools. We had everything we could want. The best sea water, the best food, the best squid toys, like giant shells, floating kelp bundles and sailors to drown. They were not real sailors; they were animated by Jesus to fight us. Rather like a youngling’s toy, if you put those, um, batteries in it and it moves and acts real, something like that. Jesus, like so many, just grew weary of caring for pets. We’re a lot of work, we take up a lot of space, we’re constantly breaking things. That is the nature of pets. He tried to teach us all to talk, but only I learned. At least, I think it’s just me that picked up learning more than one word to parrot back. Sometimes I think all the others are disguising that they, too, can talk. It’s a sort of defense mechanism. If we’re perceived as stupid, no one much expects much from us. Also, we know quite a bit about Jesus and heaven and all that. Which is rather dangerous. No one would want to believe in Jesus anymore. As he’s rather awful and petty and small-minded. It might just be because he’s rather old and has lived too many years watching all of us. I mean, all who are in his jurisdiction.
Heaven? Oh that. Well, if everyone knew about it, they’d go elsewhere for service.
Well, it’s boring, for one. An eternity spent twiddling your tentacles. Well, thumbs or paws or whatever you possess at the end of your extremities. There’s nothing to do. You can walk around and look at the gardens, but you can’t work in those gardens or even go into them to enjoy them. You can look but you can’t touch, yes, exactly! Oh there’s the mansion of Jesus, but again, he doesn’t like to share his stuff. Or let anyone near his stuff. Since you’re dead, you don’t really need a house or even a bed; you won’t get a house or anything. You just wander about on the paths. Trying not to anger Jesus. There’s lots of signs put up, telling you what not to do or what you can do. Mostly you’ll just sit in the little designated areas and stare at the gardens you can’t enter for fear you’ll ruin them. Jesus has them all just as he wants them; he has no wish to garden further.
Jesus does not think of others, despite the propaganda. Sorry, the writings about him. He rolls his eyes at those writings, a lot, but does nothing to edit them. They serve their purpose, he gets praised, and he gets traffic past the Gate. Oh, that’s the name of the point of no return. Once you pass by the Gate, you can’t go back again. There’s like a force field there. A barrier. Many have tried, once they find out how boring and tedious heaven is. That you only get porridge to eat and tap water to drink. Porridge without cream, sugar, honey, berries, bananas, salt, boiled eggs; nothing is added to that porridge because Jesus likes plain porridge and so, apparently, does the rest of everyone in heaven. If Jesus likes something, everyone likes it. If Jesus hates something, then everyone hates it. He has no concept that others think or do differently than he does. Of course, he is an eternal deity and they are rare, few and far between.
Well, yes, you do eat in heaven. You might not sleep but you do need to eat. Nobody ever asked Jesus about that, as he’s a bit prickly. Or they did and he sent them away. He doesn’t like questions. He likes praise or just silence so he can talk.
Yes, there are other deities out there, to get back to that; they’re busy amusing themselves or napping to pass the time. They’ve worked out the boundaries out there and once in a while they all get together to have something like a party. A reunion? Ah, yes, yes, a reunion. They brag to each other, they talk about how hard it is to be a deity in today’s modern world, they stage contests like who can stand on one leg the longest. That is, if that deity has legs of some kind. Some don’t.
So yes, Jesus took us all in. We’re all from the same batch of eggs. I guess that does make us all brothers and sisters. Jesus had us all neutered, so none of that matters. He’s a responsible ex-pet owner. I’ll give him that. Oh it was painless. We were all put to sleep for a bit and woke mostly totally uninterested in all that reproductive business. Totally fine with me. It’s not like we need more monstrously big scarlet squids in the world or out of it. We’re monsters. Look at me! I’m a gigantic scary mess. Learning to talk brought a certain self-awareness, yes. Yes, I think that’s accurate. I’m very aware when others look at me and make faces and scream and then throw things like harpoons and bullets and missiles. It’s not a nice feeling when you’re so feared and hated on sight. It’s just not nice at all.
So, on the day Henny escaped, we all watched. Henny surged over the top of his tank and then pulled himself toward the Gate. Now, our tanks used to be right by the Gate. Henny and the others continued to feel, well, amorous, even though they couldn’t make any more little squids, so to speak. I found that I did not. But I also think the other squids were horrifically bored and it was something to do. I was busy teaching myself to talk and think, so I didn’t have to fall back on, um, other activities. A teacher worked with me, by the name of Carla Fay. She was quite patient and it passed the time for her, as well. Jesus, to my knowledge, didn’t know about Carla Fay coming to see me. Or if he did, he found nothing wrong in it or Carla Fay would have found herself in quite another place.
Oh yes, there is a hell. Jesus dug a pit and lined it with pulsing slug skin and lined the floor with dust bunnies. Always moving dust bunnies so that anyone sent there couldn’t sit down or find any rest but had to keep moving about, in the dark, trying not to touch the wall or stand for too long on any given dust bunny, as they tend to bite if stood on too long. Jesus sends those there he takes issue with, but only if they break too many of his rules while wandering about his heaven or if they just annoy him. It doesn’t matter what you do while you’re alive. You’d have to really catch Jesus’ attention, as in be a dictator out to beat the records of all other dictators for being truly awful. Then, Jesus would feel obliged to just put you in his hell pit. Without letting you wander about not touching any of his stuff or getting in his face or asking questions for a while or a long time or almost no time at all.
There were sixteen squid. But one, Stovetop, pissed off Jesus one time. Stovetop tried to, um, get friendly with Jesus. Jesus peeled poor, in love, Stovetop off himself and popped him in that pit. Stovetop is still there, as far as I know. So, not only would you have to contend with slug walls and a dust bunny floor but you’d have to contend with a lonely, confused, sorrowful squid who perhaps never understood exactly what he did wrong.
Ghosts, yes. Ghosts are very real. When someone dies suddenly or violently or just dies in general, one can become a ghost if one chooses. You can go right through the Gates or the Narrows or the Chasm of Chomping Fangs, whatever that point of no return is called in your area. But once through, and the deities are all in accord here, you cannot step back through and go back to where the living live. Now, as a ghost, you won’t be able to do much more than make yourself visible to the living. You can talk to the living, of course. You can spy on them, as you can keep yourself invisible at will. At least you’ll be entertained, for a while, wandering about among the living. A ghost is transparent. That’s the way you tell them from the living. You can see right through them. They also tend to float. They float about unless they purposely anchor themselves downward. They can’t touch anything or anyone. They have thoughts and feelings and get sad or bored or happy, just like when alive. They don’t have to eat or sleep or anything else, though once you pass by the Gates, you do have to eat a bit. Again, trying to ask Jesus why that rule is in place will get you a trip to that pit of slug walls and dust bunny floor. The real rule with Jesus is not to question anything he does. Ever. Act like another of his ex-squid pets is my best advice.
“The meaning of life is that it stops.”
― Franz Kafka
In the midst of life we are in death, indeed. I just wrote a tongue-in-cheek ramble about the devil…and learned, just this morn, of a friend’s accident. A fatal one.
This news is raw yet and a sticky wet clog in my thoughts, and yet I keep breathing, I drink coffee, I listen to the dryer spin clothes. My brother has lost a friend dear to his heart. A family has lost a son, children have lost their father. And there are thunderstorms today and perhaps it will rain.
There is no reason for what happened. It just happened. I cannot ascribe something supernatural to that ending or affix some jumble of ancient words meant to smooth over the raw screaming nerves of loss. Why? does no seem adequate. He is dead now when yesterday he was alive.
A Texas preacher was wailin’ and waxin’ large on how this is going to be a bad day for the devil. And naturally, on hearing this shouted from the next room, during the early hours… I had a thought of– is any day a bad day for the devil? It seems the devil gets a lot of shit done. Wars to petty little malicious gossip fun. Everyone’s getting devoured by that devil walkin’ around. The devil takes a stroll and checks things off her list.
What?? Her list??
Have I lost my gol-durn mind? Yes, I have, but that’s a whole other hysterical and barely readable blog post.
Part Two: Gender Politics
I have always wondered this. Why is the devil male? Other than patriarchal absolute control over everything from religion to nail polish choices, of course. Positions of power must always be filled with male figures! Even in legends, mythology, religion and tall tales. Women with power tend to be evil queens, evil stepmothers and witches. Or a combo thereof– an evil stepmother queen witch, such as Snow White’s dad’s second wife. Yep! There are ‘good’ witches but…they’re still suspect, because they have vaginas under those pretty princess-esque ensembles. And could go rogue at any time! We don’t get many tales of queens without there being some sort of ‘love’ story involved where she ends up secondary in her own story as a kingly sort steps up and ‘saves’ her from having to rule and make decisions or she falls into disgrace and gets tricked or…I’ll stop there. Ahem.
Other than that…why is the devil always portrayed as a male figure? We have witches, of course. But. They’re subservient and doing the will of their master…yeah. Witches went from powerful independent sorts to cringing, tricked, lied to servants of Satan. They went from enjoying their power and their relative sexual freedom to being puppets who just endured the cold sexual caresses of Hell’s Landlord. [Because why not strip even sexual enjoyment out of witchcraft, can I get an amen??] See Malleus Malificarum.
Women and power, it’s makes people uncomfortable. I get it. There’s reams written here. The powerful woman getting reduced to evil crone who licks the devil’s bottom during ceremonies held beneath the full moon. Read all that stuff. Read about the witch craze and how midwives were suspect and…yeah. But.
Part Three: A Tale of Love Gone Wrong
That rebellious beautiful angel who went against God. That reads more like a love story gone horribly wrong than some servant acting up and getting spanked, big time, for all eternity. Actually, that fallen angel gets rewarded, by being made the Big Baddie who gets to pretend to go against God. [And here, you can start screaming I don’t know anything about religion, the devil, God or blah dee blurg. That my years in the Lutheran church apparently did nothing more than give me a curious case of soul rash.] After all, does it not say, in Revelation, that God wins?
It’s right there. That’s bad storytelling. You don’t invent this great villain and then say, baldly, that that villain is going to lose. We know the villain loses, we want to pretend some actual surprise. There has to be a moment when we think the Joker is going to squash Batman and yank his wings off. That’s just how good stories trot along. We want, maybe, to even believe, for a bit, that the villain, the Big Bad, will win the day and destroy the planet, kill the tied up girlfriend/love interest/wife/some random girl; uh, get that death ray to work, etc, etc. You don’t state that so and so will win while presenting some Big Bad as the ‘villain’. Unless you plan on springing a surprise on us. Like some super-villain in the wings. Maybe her name is Mary who wraps her holy thighs around the devil and God and devours them both with her girl parts and comes out the winner of it all.
I would so watch that movie. I would even buy the over-priced gold-plated popcorn to munch as I watched that movie.
You cannot announce that you’re the winner ahead of time. It’s insulting. Why do you need an adversary? Especially one that seems on the payroll? Why is he needed at all? Oh…because the devil has a case of bitter grapes and seeks to take down as many as he can before THE END OF IT ALL. [No, seriously, that’s the answer I’ve seen to this one. The devil wants to have a game of freeze tag before the End. Yep.] Cue evil laughter, ala Vinny Price.
PART FOUR: MORE GENDER POLITICS AND EVEN MORE LOVE GONE WRONG MUSINGS
How bitter do you have to be to infect as many humans as you can before God yanks the curtains closed?? That’s female territory…that’s spurned lover territory. That’s…yeah. I’m marching out some rather tired female tropes here— the woman scorned, the bitter woman who wants to repay her ex in spades, the nasty woman who will do anything to smear her ex, etc. Entire industries chug along on that crap alone. There’s also the crazy ex who stalks the current Pretty Young Thang and there’s a catfight where boobies bounce a lot. That’s both a movie plot go-to and the newest ad campaign for Chanel Number Five. Petty revenge against a force that’s all-powerful and who announces they’re going to win no matter what happens…doesn’t seem like male on male catfighting. [Can men have catfights?? Mmm. Maybe tomcat fights? Because tomcats are both slinky and possess testicles? MMMM!]
PART FIVE: WHAT SORT OF DAY DOES THE DEVIL HAVE?
But anyway. The devil, in my opinion, always has a good day. The list of sins is long and people are stupid. You can’t even have naughty thoughts without making God’s I Saw That! list. You can’t lust in your head, your thoughts are on trial. God is literally the thought police. The devil wants you to run that hardcore dungeon daddy fantasy involving a Viking era cowboy-ish muscled up pretty boy who puts you through your paces with a small whip and a large donkey. The devil is saying, hey, baby, go for it. You say, okay! Good day for the devil. Or maybe, hey, you’re in charge of an entire country. And you’ve got pretty bombs and tanks at your disposal. Why not use them on something? Like Chicago?? Yeah, the devil doesn’t even have to do more than shrug and go, hey, baby, go for it. That whisper of permission to give in to your darkest or most silly little vices. Instead of living with your knees crossed and your mind full of amens and hallulujahs and notions that the world is burning alive.
So it makes sense, to me, to make the nemesis of the desert God who stalked about in the lands of Canaan and Judea and so forth…a girl.
And hey, if we keep the devil a boy, well…kettle of very LGTBQ fish, can I get a high five and a clobber verse, amen? [There are six, by the way, six. That’s it. There’s about six maybe references in the entire Bible about this issue. Uh huh.] You can’t have women with power, after all and you can’t even entertain the notion of God and the also-male devil being exes…because how soon before we’re making bestiality and incest legal and letting people marry their own houseplants?? Hello!
A seductive temptress whispering, go for it, baby, as she picks your pocket and paints a target on your back. That, after all, is what women are…we’re either whores or good girls. That Madonna/Whore dichotomy. One fall from grace and we’re forever branded a sin-filled whorebeast, we gals. There’s no forgiveness for us if we tumble a bit or a lot or at all… We have to be kept covered and controlled and in our place otherwise…chaos. That’s the central core message of pretty much any major or minor religion…women are suspect. Big time. Beware. You give women any sort of freedom and they turn to the devil and become witches and try to become men and want to vote and shit. Gol durn it, not on my watch!
PART SIX: WHERE I FINALLY MENTION SOME WRITING PROJECTS OF MINE!! YAY!
Which leads me to…yes, my piddles in this area, writing-wise. Gotcha!! I wove a pretty web, I offered some sweet blasphemy and oh, viola…here we arrive at some stark PR for my products. Oh my!
Being a writer chick, I invented a character. It’s kinda what I do on occasion. She drives around in an old Caddy, seeking whom she may devour. I didn’t give her a name, other than ‘devil’. She’s a black woman riding the roads of America, offering deals. I was writing along in Alice in Oregonlandia and went, as you do, hey…what if the devil shows up.
What if the devil shows up.
And, sometimes, my mind-worms poop out some useful smeary images. One of those 50’s monstrosity cars with fins that get about three miles per gallon because gas was cheap back then. Flames painted on the black doors. An engine that can heard miles away, one of those big powerful V-8 take on all comers engines. And a woman at the wheel, a powerful woman, a woman to be feared, a woman of sadness and fierce laughter, the devil. With dark skin , a body that’s hers and hers alone, a confidence that her road trip isn’t gonna end any time soon. She suggests sins, doesn’t tell you to actively commit them. She knows you and maybe even loves you a little, but still wants to turn you inside out to watch you strangle in your own guts.
She also turns up in my third book, Saint Lysette and Bloody Alice. Which I’ve let ‘rest’ for a week, as other writing urges hooked me like a fly fisherman hooks one of those trout in a river in Montana. Must write this now! I’m mulling ideas for that third book, deciding just who and what Mr. Blue, Bong Bong and Mr. Peepers are. [If you have no idea who those characters are, it’s okay. I forgive you. Go in peace.] I’m inventing the mythology and reality of this world Alice, and her mother, Nancy, exist in. What happens if there’s devils within devils within devils? What happens if. It’s what writers do, after all. I’m not thinking Overall Literary Theme. I thinking, what if the devil is trying to fix her mistakes? What will Alice do when she finds out what Lysette is? What does Aaron know? I am thinking in terms of what comes next, not Man’s Inhumanity to Man.
The devil, after all, is in the details.
PART SEVEN: BWHA HA HA
Bwha ha ha.
The devil always has a good day. She likes to keep busy and she’s a multi-tasker, as women have been since the time they lived out in the open scavenging lion kills. God will snap His fingers and the devil might very well not even notice. She’s bent over whispering into a susceptible ear to some sexually confused young Christian man to look up three-way twink and bear porn [if you have no idea what this is, boy, are you gonna have some fun with Google today] over on porn hub [a real site, in case you thought I made that up, my innocent sweeties]…whispering in that ear to go for it, baby. God will be saying, hey, I’m ending the game. The devil will look up, from whispering sweet nothings into various ears. You do that, baby, if you think that’s best.
And God will swell up and stomp back to heaven, with a hearty string of expletives for his Ex and the devil will smile. It’s always a good day for the devil.
I’m going to lower the lights a bit and muse in the land of somewhat serious.
PART ONE: Mad Obstacle Course
I have a friend. Who is painfully idealistic. Who believes the world will magically become smart about, oh, everything, and clean itself up and that people will learn lessons. And not repeat history as hard and fast as they can. Who, right now, thrums with enough anger and grief over everything he sees, reads, and experiences to fuel a Smith’s ten-CD greatest hits collection. The bitter muddy waters of the world right now have turned the inner fishin’ hole that exists in his head into a stinking drying up slick, full of those mutated creatures caused by leaking nuclear waste and farm chemicals that get into the ground water. I fear for him, that he has no armor against the monsters and indifferent nobodies that foul the planet he loves so dearly. Why can’t they see? Why can’t they understand? Why can’t they know what’s going on? The cries of those battering themselves against the giant light bulb; those human moths dying, dying as they try to deliver their earnest sermons of save the earth, people matter, be kind to one another…
Now, this person does try. Casey [I’ll make up a name to protect myself first of all] attends local town meetings and interacts with others of his ilk, trying to get something started or get something said. That takes guts, in Velveeta Twitler land. Casey is artistic in a place where the arts are regarded as something invented by Satan for lazy slackers who are commie fags on welfare stealing the hard-earned tax money of True Paytriots to get free abortions, free marijuana and free phones. The neighbors threaten Casey because he’s not of their political party. Over which he has gone to the local sheriff, just in case. Just in case. A more harmless, gentle soul than Casey I’ve yet to meet. Who wants the best for those around him and tries to find his way in the stinking darkness and mad obstacle course called life.
PART TWO: Dead Christmas Trees
Now, I won’t delve further into the clinical case of this friend. It’s unfair and Casey isn’t here to defend…it’s just my few hard words, arriving from a place of dead Christmas trees shoved into a garbage cans. Where no light shines because I cannot lift my head and find the sun anymore. I am finding other idealists, who believe so gently and completely in democracy and human decency and human intelligence…equally bruised, dripping blood from their beat up souls [I know, how precious is that image???], exhausted by the utter indifference or laughing mockery they encounter, instead of applause and head nods and agreement that ‘something needs to be done’. They tread water that has already viciously drowned them several years ago. Ghosts whispering against the bulldozing of the universe.
Part Three: Just A Cycle
Some say our current times are just a cycle. We go though periods of great darkness, great and utter stupidity, a meanness toward others, a savage hatred of those outside our tribes, little groups and tiny clans. And then something lets go. That great dark time dissipates and reason comes back to the world. Light returns. People surge forward like mighty tides and get shit done. Great books are written, new ideas seep out and infect societies, good ideas, bad ideas, ideas ideas ideas; they swirl slowly in the human collection, stretching the collective minds. We will not be like that again, the new guardians scream as they examine an age just passed.
We will stand watch against such things. We will not kill over a religion, over a skin color, over a bit of land, over an ideal. We will accept all into the brotherhood of man, no exceptions this time. Except that one group, that one…they’re still suspect.
And the balance comes back, perhaps, for a bit.
Until it all tips again and it all starts over, the darkness happy as a toxic clam and the new guardians elderly bewildered broken bits wondering how it all came to this. Why did people not see? Why did people not study their history and see? Why did people ignore? Why did people not figure out in time? Why? Why? Why?
And then the light creeping back, the balance, the fiery cries of ‘Different this time!’, the great novels written by important new voices, the energy of new invention, the linking of hands across aisles. I don’t understand how they let that happen! I would never do such things! I would stand up and say something! I would…oh.
Part Four: Shoes and Vases
Patterns of destruction and creation. A great myth being told over and over with new characters. A new Cinderella slipping a foot into whatever slipper needs to be worn at certain time and place. Until the one time the darkness cannot be beaten back with a bit of light because there is nothing left of us. That, too, is part of our human mythology, our human destroy and rebuild mantras. The shoe falls apart. [To stick with the Cinderella riff, tee hee tee ha]
The clay wears out and cannot be reformed into the lumpy vase where a generation or two will stick their sad flowers, the flowers dying slowly, the vase leaking, the clay trying to return to dust so it can rest. Yes, I’ve reduced human endeavor into a child’s art project, dragged home in the bottom of a backpack, to be set on a shelf or not even looked at or broken before it can be saved from the interior of that child’s bag. And then just thrown away as the child shrugs or weeps– ‘fix it, fix it!’.
We try and try again. That is our best human quality. And the best instinct of idealists. They keep making those lumpy vases. And do not understand how much easier it is to crush those little vases than to construct them…which is rather simplistic. But the world, now, is rather simplistic and it’s not fashionable to be too much of a smartie pants. Smart people are viewed in much the same way people view rattlesnakes– something highly poisonous that will kill you without a second thought. We don’t need no book learnin’– could very well be the actual battle cry of Velveeta Twitler’s entire campaign. I jest, a bit, because if I don’t, I’ll smash my lumpy little vase and then shove it up the nearest endangered pygmy rabbit’s ass to show those libtards a thing or two. Snowflakes, lol!
Now, I started off with ‘Casey’ so I should end there, as well. Casey will swim toward the land of his familiars and huddle in the dim cool caves of those just like him. He has to, he’s on survival mode right now. That balance swinging back will probably not swing back in his lifetime…At least there’s chocolate. And coffee. And butterflies. Always Be Positive, because otherwise, people won’t like your social media posts.