One last mad splash as the old year grinds to a savage close. Winter weather, fog, cat asleep in her usual perch in the closet.
What will the new year bring? Isn’t that a terrifying notion intermixed with some actual wonder.
That’s it. Have a happy new year and if you have to work, sigh a lot. I intend to.
Welp, had to drive to work yesterday in fog so dense I nearly drove off the road, twice. Fun.
It finally rained here in Oregon East. An actual rain. We plunged into near winter temps! It might snow in the valleys! Nah, not yet but winter wants to pounce.
I want to enjoy Halloween and all its orange, black and sparkly glory, but the American midterm elections throw a giant moist pall over everything. Moister than moist. Dripping wet with racism, sexism, fascism and all the other crappy isms imaginable and then some. Who is taking all these polls? It does not seem to reflect anything but what is expected– that the Gross Old Perverts sweep everything and Biden gets made to look like a doddering, shitting himself in public, gibbering fool. Um? And yet so many people registering to vote and yet…mmm.
I just want this all over so I can start breathing again and plan accordingly. Do I still live in a ‘free’ country or do I have to practice my salutes, wave a flag with savage frantic grins plastered across my frozen face? Shout randomly, in public, about eagles and freedom and no more open borders? We don’t have open borders, what the fuck is that noise?
Idaho, by the way, is almost an Ida-don’t go there, stay away, avoid avoid avoid. We do have scary states here in ‘murica and that is becoming one of the scariest.
The Aryan Nations that used to be a joke, who used to live under rocks and only appear if you whispered something overtly racist near an open sewer…have now virtually taken over that state. It’s sad and tragic and awful. Aryan Nations meets QAnon nonsense, has weird disgustingly awful sex, produces a mutant baby and here we are!
And my state, by the way, has a trumpian Gross Old Pervert running for guvvie. I just. No. No!
I do have scary movies lined up, as the midterms causes eye twitches, drooling, screaming when a leaf drops from a tree too near me. It’s tense here, y’all. Tense. Golly, vote for sane people or batshit trumpfucks? I mean no offense to actual bats, who just wish to live their bat lives in peace.
I have had a few acceptances roll my way, but mostly, lately, it’s been rejection city. Sigh.
Need to sacrifice something to Satan, I guess. Maybe he’ll accept an IOU? Will hand over the flies stuck to the fly strip. They’re already dead and am just gonna toss that strip otherwise. Why be wasteful? Satan? Hello?
September. It’s almost over. The weather here is finally cooling a bit. I’ve rescued the same toads from the dog pool many mornings now. The big one that squeaks at me if I handle it too much, the smaller ones that pretended they were frogs, so I’d leave them alone. That was when the water levels were much higher. I dug a giant hole to put the rubber tub into, and it has this valve that keeps turning so all the water leaks out. Why would you put such a valve into a tub designed to hold water? Oh sure, to drain it but still. It’s entirely too easy to brush against it and turn it the wrong way. I blame liberals for this. Is that how that works?
Snark, sarcasm and hissing gently from the shadows. That’s me!
Job? I don’t know. Nobody cares so let’s move on.
Road trip. I am going to go to Mountain Home, Id-eee-ho, for a literary event. I know!! It’s for the Whistle Pig Literary Magazine launch, held this year at the Mountain Home library. I even got myself a hotel room so I wouldn’t have that long drive back, in the dark, with the extra bright lights in my eyes. I probably need to go see the eye doctor about that…yikes.
Or just deal with it because, hey, who has insurance?
Rimshot! I’ll be here all week, try the chicken.
My story for the Whistle Pig is called Lovesmoke. I based it off a short play I wrote ages ago, about a nearly mute man who’s in love with his brother’s girlfriend. She just wants to get married, have a normal life as her boyfriend is about to lose everything due to bad cattle prices and the bottom falling out of that market. The brother in love goes about collecting rocks and such to sell at the various festivals in and around the Western states. If you’ve ever been to small town festivals, with booths– that’s the type of person Salinas is.
In my prose version, I set it in Weiser, Idaho, with the about to lose everything brother having already run off and the other brother crossing the Rubicon, so to speak, by declaring his love for Lily. It’s bittersweet and it seemed to write itself, once I found that balance between manipulative monster versus clumsy overtures of affection toward another. I sort of blended the two extremes of puppet master and hopelessly bad at romance tropes, so to speak. That happy medium? Eh.
I did play with having them end up together but it just didn’t gel, it just didn’t flow, it just didn’t…yeah.
Rewrote a short story in the last couple days, turned it from vague woman-empowered claptrap to murderous psycho monster baby claptrap. Wheee!!!! I also realized my lead character is the least of my three in that story. I need to, ahem, punch her up a bit. Or not. I also need to look at the ending. It might be awful or okay, depends on mood, weather, snack consumption and coffee levels. The title also needs changing. Willa and the Mist to perhaps Baby Lamb or The Graveyard Baby or something equally provocative. Two On A Meat Hook? I’d have to add a meat hook. Dang it!
I’ve been reworking short stories that keep getting rejected. It keeps me busy and out of prison, so that’s good.
That’s it.
Oh, for those panting to know– I have pumpkins. I also have three giant gourds growing away. I’m so excited! I researched and it said to wait for first frost to collect them. We are nowhere near a first frost. I’m also watching the pumpkins closely, looking for that all-over orange color. Still a bit green underneath. Small sugar pumpkins, for pies but still so gorgeous. I do love the color orange.
Halloween is close. I have a happy feeling somewhere close by. And then the drudge and stress of the ‘holidays’. All those damn turkeys to bake. God damn it. I’m already sick and tired of turkey. I just want to buy a bunch of frozen dinners, call it good from here until next January. Want a fancy meal? Here ya go– Hungry Man Salisbury steak!
Oh my, I should adjust accordingly, eh? Holiday season hasn’t even officially started yet. Not until Hallmark starts constant Christmas movie rotation BEFORE HALLOWEEN USUALLY. Notice that?? I noticed that last year. Syrupy cookie cutter movies that bring numbness and a sort of Zen blankness if you watch too many in a row. Lifetime, also, has a host of these things.
And the Halloween Baking contest is back. Happiness is oozing icing the color of infected flesh dripping down over a rotted pumpkin face chocolate cake. Or pies with top crusts that look like tortured human faces. Happiness and bliss.
Started new job. Training. I suck. I feel very stupid and incapable. Never done this kind of wok before so maybe I should go a bit easier on self? Huh. Hotel work. Yeah.
Rescued four toads this morn from sunken dog pond. They were very cold and sluggish. I need to put something in there that wildlife can cling to or climb aboard if I don’t get out there in a timely manner.
Trying to get stuff written and submitted.
Oh hey, I have a new book out. The Adventure of Grumpy Odin and Sexy Jesus. It’s a fun, breezy read. No, really, it is. There’s some gore, violence, a bit of sex, even…I know!
That’s all I got. My brain is a blank hunk of quivering jelly.
It’s July. Hot. It’s hot. Ugh. Hot.
With that out of the way!
Been applying for jobs. I suck at finding jobs. I suck beans. Don’t know what that means but it sounds keen.
All attempted rhyming aside, it’s the waiting that is truly abysmal. See title!
Will I get an interview nod, at the very least? Will I get the form rejection letter, months later, that says they’ve passed on me? Will there be a black void of ‘we couldn’t even be bothered to send you a form rejection notice’? I have better luck placing my pitiful darlings [short stories] than landing a job. Unless it’s health care and they just need a warm body.
I’m also waiting for November. That’s the midterm elections for ‘murica. I am waiting in absolute dread for that one. Gonna be…? It could go either good or very very very bad. I’m thinking bad because Americans have no capacity for learning, history, showing up to vote or pretty much anything but screaming about how great ‘murica is while waving the nation’s flag that has a Confederate battle flag stamped on the back of it…mmm.
And then sobbing over how awful everything is while blaming the wrong set of people for all of it. Yep.
Okay, I’ll end this very short scream on something uplifting.
My yard toads are thriving. They like to shelter under these two pieces of bark I have placed by the old red rose bushes. It’s right by the drain for the washer, which is how they get into the house. Clever little demons. I can hear them croaking in the pipes in the house. You know spring is coming when you start hearing the toads calling from seemingly inside the walls.
Anyway.
I find them all over my small bits of garden. I often get startled by one as they blend so perfectly with dirt and dead leaves. They’re not big toads. They fit in the palm of my hand. Yes, I’ve picked them up. I have no squeamishness when it comes to frogs, toads or yes, snakes. Have not seen my yard snake this year yet but I’m sure he or she will work its way into the grass eventually.
There’s just something magical about toads. At least to me.
I did attend the Nyssa Thunderegg Days festival. Got some neato rocks. Got out of the house. I am nearly at the point where I don’t want to leave my surroundings even to go to town. It often takes me days to get up the oomph to drive about ten miles to go buy some milk. Days. I’ll go tomorrow. Oh it’s too late now, have to go tomorrow.
Waiting to hear back on jobs, toads and turning into a hermit cat lady.
Thank you as always for reading and hey, go check out my books, short stories, poetry and plays. That’s my strong-arm sales pitch.
I slog onward, wanting to give up all the time now. I slog onward…
Here’s an excerpt from THE ADVENTURES OF GRUMPY ODIN AND SEXY JESUS.
***
Becki looked up. Grok had the Bobbler pinned down beneath a hoof-like paw.
Joani blinked, managed to achieve a worried expression across her several eyes. “How can you write at a time like this? There’s never been a time like this! Batboys gone insane, Tentacles missing, Jesus stopped Odin, Halfway Offices destroyed…did I miss anything? Oh! Minette gone. Who’s going to replace her?? And now Grok bringing her work here? Oh and that Ali wandering about. Spooky thing! What’s next, a visit from those nice Mormon tasty treats? They are tasty. So good with potatoes.”
“Stop that. We don’t eat dirt monkeys. You don’t know where they’ve been,” Becki slapped at Joani, who caught her sister’s strange fingers, kissed them, let them go. “No need to be afraid. Change happens. You’re such a…I’ll think of what you are, tell ya later, my dear.”
Mornin’.
It’s my birthing day. My mother nearly died, I was supersick as well. My mother had to also feed me on goat’s milk when I couldn’t digest anything. The doctor told her there was nothing to be done as I was starving to death but she persisted. Found I could handle goat’s milk. Of course she also liked to tell EVERYONE that I pooped a lot when I was a baby. It was one of her go-to stories. Yeah.
It was green, runny, and filled my crib. A sort of horror story involving my baby pooping abilities. Thanks, mom!
I do have a new book out. The Adventures of Grumpy Odin and Sexy Jesus, which got so few reactions I wonder if I should bother at all anymore.
And I won’t bore anyone with that shit. Don’t worry. No words on the gutpunch of being an invisible writer.
Every time I glance at my blog, the little message at the top says this site has coupons. Like it’s Amazon or the candle site I drool over. I love candles. And they’re amazing. Carpathian Mountains, Lost At Sea, Norway, Halloween ones. Goose Creek Candles, if you’re curious. They run sales all the time.
Applying for jobs that do not involve wiping other people’s bottoms. So far, a big fat zilch. Can’t even get an interview. Nope. That’s something to sigh over tomorrow.
Painting rocks again. Not really writing that much. Drifting along, waiting for the meteor. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!
Okay, will end this with a brief takedown of Stranger Things. Now. I watched all the episodes. I guess the new ones will drop in July.
So. Mm. It seems the same storyline got repeated for three seasons. El or Jane must rally and fight the Monster/Upside Down world and close the gate/s. The other kids, um, figure out stuff and act like actual kids. Refreshing.
There’s a lot of 80’s references. A lot. From Ghostbusters to aerobics to the music being played. There’s Metalheads. There’s Cyndi Lauper. And Kate Bush wasn’t that popular, but we get her song over and over and over. Air Supply!
They even cast Winona Ryder as the mom of the kid who gets sucked into the parallel world in season one. Matthew Modine was also pretty common in 80’s fair, so he’s a doctor who might be evil or not. We get 80’s fashion, from the big hair to the overly bright patterned clothes.
I really liked how Dungeons and Dragons got blamed for the happenings of season four. The Satanic Panic! That was real, it happened a lot like that and real people were sent to jail over allegedly being in league with Satan. That Satanic Panic shit is still hot and heavy in America to this day. After all, liberals align with the devil, do they not, Fox Newz? And Alex Jones? And a lot of far right preachers? And…?
Also, the murders in season four were…jaw-droppingly horrific. Warning label indeed needed. Jesus H. Christ, there really was no way to warn against how ghastly they were. I know it’s fake, it’s not real but damn. I actually gasped, made sounds, had to look away. I happened to watch season four right after the Uvalde shooting. So…yeah.
I love love love the sheriff, played by David Harbour. Who would have been a kid in the 80’s. He really is the backbone of this show. His current storyline is just…eh. Really? [I won’t spoil it if you have not yet gotten to season four or through the end of season three.]
Oh my goodness, and the whole Soviet inclusion. You forget how twitchy we were as a country over anything Soviet or USSR. That constant dread that any minute a nuclear bomb was gonna drop on your town or nearby. The movie the Day After captures this very real fear. That someone would make a mistake and a nuclear exchange would take place. That the Russians in Stranger Things could be right out of an action movie staring Sly Stallone, Arnie Swarzenegger, Kurt Russell or hell, right out of the original Red Dawn…I found a bit off-putting. They wouldn’t know to hide themselves completely, like in the series, the Americans? The USSR wouldn’t send English-speaking sorts able to pass to do their fell deeds at the Hawkins mall? Not bitchin’, dudes.
Off to water the lawn, maybe watch some silly movies and enjoy my birthday cheesecake. I got myself a small cheesecake. And hope the following year isn’t the shitshow it promises to be in America and the rest of the world. Father of the Bride on HBO looks silly, dumb, fun and frothy.
June. It’s June. My birthday is soon. Can you do me a boon? Go take a gander at my book. I won’t rhyme anymore. It might make some of you darlings a bit sore.
I do believe the Kindle is $3.99.
THE ADVENTURES OF GRUMPY ODIN AND SEXY JESUS:
Odin knows better than to trust Newbie Jesus, in a borrowed flesh suit, but Jesus might actually deliver on getting back everyone Odin lost when God attacked the gods that came before him with holy fire. Maggie, head secretary to God, has a total crush on Odin, which lands her in unexpected very hot water with her rather smitey boss, as well as shove her down a path she never, ever saw coming. Poor Suzi finds out the very hard cost of loving a minion but there might be unexpected benefits that go along with her plight. Click and Clack might be holding onto some power that could come in handy during a batboy attack, and possibly useful to the only son of God. Add in some Karaoke Nites at the shared hangout of minions, secretaries and has-been magical riff-raff, along with secrets, betrayals, the Alvord Desert and a small stuffed rabbit, and you just might find yourself cheering for the Adventures of Grumpy Odin and Sexy Jesus.
Monday. Here’s the blurb to go along with novel number five, the Adventures of Grumpy Odin and Sexy Jesus:
In The Adventures of Grumpy Odin and Sexy Jesus, Odin and Newbie Jesus team up, uneasily, to take on God in a power struggle that might rip the known universe apart. Click and Clack might be something other than your normal minion scum. Maggie, who has the hots for Odin, finds herself in the middle of an actual holy war. Zadkiel begins to think for himself a bit, which is rather rare for a batboy. Poor Suzi discovers that loving minion Minette lands her in strange places yet allows her to help everyone but herself. Swiss Charlie’s, under the stellar management of Stella Lou, seems the place to be for karaoke and intrigues gone very wrong!
The Adventures of Grumpy Odin and Sexy Jesus is a fantastical fantasy adventure story that has a lot more jokes in it than any holy scriptures and makes the bible seem like a fairy story!
Full disclosure– the title of this blog post is from HBO’s Our Flag Means Death. Blackbeard observes that he has been turned into a ‘viking vampire clown’ as he discovers an illustration of himself in a book.
I heard those three words slammed together and went, hey, what can I do with that? Is that a title? A monster of some kind? Some sort of for-me only porn novella?
It’s probably also a sign I need to get out of the house.
So, a short one. The Cherry of Her Lips got an acceptance from Black Hare Press, for their War anthology. I really like this attempt of mine to freshen up the hoary Snow White tale.
I’m also looking at having a fifth book published. The Adventures of Grumpy Odin and Sexy Jesus. It’s fantasy? meets mythology meets religious figures meets humans, Minions, ghosts and outer space monsters. There’s also Batboys or angels.
Basically, God wants Jesus to become the newest Satan, which would put Jesus under God’s thumb. This sets off a chain of events that leads to a strange showdown in Oregon’s Alvord desert.
Yes, I am working on how to plug this one. I have to invent something dazzling, interest-provoking and yet short that doesn’t have me trying to explain the plot in a thousand-word sprawl.
A bit blasphemous? Sure, why not but it does involve other gods, other mythologies and a nod toward the irreverent and sassy. Honestly, it’s not dark or hopeless or dystopian. It’s even funny in spots. I think so. There’s some actual character journeys taking place. Jesus, for one, gets a great big arc.
So, yeah.
Now. How to use ‘viking vampire clown’. Isn’t it odd what combo of words can bring you such fulsome, wonderful delight? Happy almost spring!
ANN WUEHLER 