Potpourri of the Befuddled

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I don’t know what to write anymore.

When the real world produces much scarier, crazier asshattery than any combo of words I or others can devise…you tend to wander off to youtube to watch puppy rescues and those top ten lists as to why Jupiter Ascending is the worst movie ever penned. Or the best.

Depends on which top ten listings of attributes and qualities you dig up, accidentally, while searching for Benedict Cumberbatch porn. Not that I do that. Or know anyone who does that. I just heard other people do that.

And.

That wild baby bunny has died.

It was more than likely my mucking something up or it nibbled something bad for it when I put it in the outside cage as it was almost ready to be released…I managed to bring it back once but could not repeat that success.

It was laid out on its side, cold and not moving, having spasms now and then. I warmed it up, I got some milk down it, it actually sat up, had its head up, seemed to be recovering from whatever had plagued it…and then it died. Just turned its head a bit, spasmed, and then died. I watched the last little breath. The sides went in and did not come back up.

I waited.

I waited.

Nothing.

I buried it. I feel a real loss that something in my clumsy care passed onward into whatever awaits or does not await. It had a personality, a feistiness. It explored the little box I had it in. It froze just like the adult rabbits do, hoping I could not see it. It responded to noises and huddled in its collection of pulled apart cotton balls, that tiny tail the only thing visible at times.

It remained wild, except when sick. Then it didn’t care if I handled it. I knew it was better when it didn’t want me near it. I felt a success that this wild creature wanted no part of me, that it would survive and go have a short life out in the fields.

As I know the fate of rabbits, yes, I do, in a world full of hawks, coyotes, dogs, cats and badgers. And humans.

I’ve gone through this with baby birds. They seem to be doing well and then the next morning, they’re stiff and cold, beaks open. And I still check for life, I make sure. Sometimes young animals get chilled, sometimes just getting them warmed back up…Thank heavens for heating pads and hot water bottles.

Why do I try when…Because you have to. That’s all I know.

I have to at least try.

I have succeeded in keeping baby birds alive and then releasing them. I’ve helped with too-young kittens, feeding them and caring for them as they needed. My mother taught me how. And sometimes they live. And sometimes they die. So sayeth life and death.

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In a Thai cave, boys await to be rescued. That has been dominating the news. Because it focuses on things we can understand.

Children trapped. Cave filling with water. Brave people planning a rescue. Boys need to be taught to swim. A rescuer dies trying to help. Cave divers, from Scotland no less, who are the best in the world go to help. Boys start getting rescued…

We watch and sigh and cheer and cry, this is something we UNDERSTAND. This is something that makes sense.

When children get trapped, you go help them. When men get trapped down a mine, you go help them. Dramatic rescues remind us we’re all alike and yet all different and yet…that compassion magically goes away when applied to others who need help that don’t meet some public understanding of who deserves to be rescued and helped and who does not. 

I am glad those boys are getting out of that cave.

But I keep getting drawn back to ‘murica and now, the UK and Brexit and the shenanigans world-wide. As the very modern far right seems hellishly determined to repeat the fascists regimes of the 1930’s that led up to…an actual world war. Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Franco!

I’ve left names out, I just know it. And everyone seems to have a nuclear warhead tucked away these crazy ass days.

It’s interesting times indeed.

I can’t compete with that in a literary fashion.

I see people getting more upset over being impolite to fascist wannabes than the actual fascism attempting to rear its very ugly head in the heart of the land of the brave and the free. [No, not Canada.]

I blathered on about that in other posts, I won’t here because if I do, someone might complain I’m being mean to the skin-heads and assclown Jesus shouters or something. God forbid they feel a moment of discomfort or actual shame. God fucking forbid.

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Oh and someone or something crushed my tiny growing pumpkin.

I took a picture of it, imagining it grown into a lopsided ball of orangeness and bland pulp. A future jack-o-lantern. A future possible actual pie!

And then noticed it had been crushed.

Smashed.

Destroyed.

Ants trundled all over the little insides. Ants.

It felt like someone hit me in the solar plexus. That unable to breathe for a bit sensation.

Oh great, the crazy liberal barely read writer lady is lamenting a destroyed squash. Liberals, lol. Need a safe space, snowflake??

I always add very sarcastic comments in my head now to all my reactions, feelings, sensations and thoughts. It’s just how I roll these days. Or always. I have a chorus of Fuck Your Feelings sorts catcalling me from inside my head…should I admit that or pretend otherwise?

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from My Confined Space. Notice that date. 

So, I did finish a draft for Grumpy Odin and Sexy Jesus.

I rather like it. I need to go over and over it, get it a bit sleeker. Get its engine running smoothly and not at a choppy, too loud decibel that will have cops pulling me over and giving me literary tickets.

Sorry, ma’am, this novel is cobbled together with nonsense and duct tape.

This is not a safe novel to have on the literary highway. This is an accident that already happened. 

Yes, that is the amount of the fine and not the national debt rounded up into a tidy amount number!

Well then, you should have rewritten it and turned it into the next Harry Potter series.

Why don’t you give up writing and become a two-dollar a blow job whore in your home town’s park? Like everyone thinks you are already?

It’s not like your writing ‘career’ is all that and a bag of chips, snap!

Or hey, just write something good. Then we don’t have to pull you over like this! Have a good day!

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Elliot Stabler, SVU Law and Order, as played by Chris Meloni. This is not the literary cop I picture at all. I picture one of my relatives, dressed in those too-short Reno 911 shorts writing me a ticket for not immediately turning into JK Rowling…
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from TV Screener. Reno 911. Thomas Lennon as Jim Dangle. Now you see some of what I see in my head. Along with pumpkins, puppy rescues and those elevator doors in the Shining doing that slow, slow open and releasing that flood o’blood.

I should probably get rid of some of those voices in my head before the shitshow clown act that’s so far playing to the gullible and grungy alike, takes center stage in full costume under dazzling lights in full surround sound.

So the entire planet can relive in collective wonderment and Lock Her Up fashion and Hold My Beer super-patriotism– the 1930’s and 40’s in vivid, re-enactment detail, with updated clothes, New Age slang and fabulous city-destroying weapons one can send off with a push of a button!

The parades alone, darlings!

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Not a parade, but an actual 4th of July fire we watched from the yard. It got handled pretty quickly by the local BLM and firefighters. Planes, helicopters, etc. Notice those bone dry hills covered with cheat grass. That’s the entire West right now, by the way…
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