“You ever read any Nietzsche? Nietzsche says there’s two kinds of people in the world: people who are destined for greatness like Walt Disney… and Hitler. Then there’s the rest of us, he called us “the bungled and the botched.” We get teased. We sometimes get close to greatness, but we never get there. We’re the expendable masses. We get pushed in front of trains, take poison aspirin … get gunned down in Dairy Queens.” from the Fisher King, as spoken by Jeff Bridges as Jack Lucas.
I have written several drafts, by now, under the title of the Bungled and the Botched. I started off with a summary/review of one of my favorite films, the Fisher King. It was light and delightsome. And novel length. It was up there, patient darlings. Don’t worry!! The following is merely flash fiction length!
Oh, it’s not. It’s just short story length now. Fartknockers!
Chemical attack. Sarin or chlorine gas used. Savage raw footage of actual children and adults dying, struggling to breath, white foam around their noses and mouths. Yet, America has denied entry of Syrian refugees because they might be terrorists, even the children. “We can’t let them in, those kids get indoctrinated. They might be terrorists! Fuck Syria, LOL.” [I remember reading words all over to that effect.] Oh look, if you Google ‘refugee children as terrorists’ or some such amalgamation…fuck me running, I’m wigging out here, I’m buggin’. There’s many a tale of evil refugee children disguised as those fleeing from violence and the utter destruction of all they know to win our sympathy. EVIL TERRORIST CHILDREN COMING TO AMERICA. Who will win our hearts and then blow us up.
I should get a job writing that sort of fiction for various sites. I have some training as a writer, of plays, fiction and poetry, and just general writing in general. If it pays enough, who cares who it hurts? Right? I feel so modern or ancient, as this seems a tactic of olden days, too. Mm…I could be totally sarcastic and caustically bitter and it would come off as ‘true’. God damn! New career path! And I can write a book about all that when I’m exposed as a charlatan or a fake. Go on talk shows and sob about Free Speech. Talk about how my freedom has been curtailed because I am no longer allowed to make up stories about refugee children. You have to play the cards you’re dealt, right? And since I’m a bitter, cynical little kitty most days, I really think I would be wonderful at the whole ‘fake news’ writing. All you have to do is try. And keep trying until the day you die. You’re only a failure when death gets you or something like that.
Holy shit, my inner voices. Evil bints!
Hey!! Get back to your diatribe, you silly daisy. Better?? And that was all you. We just sat back and rolled our eyeballs a lot.
You have eyeballs? Sorry!! You’re right. Back into the splooge of my diatribe indeed, inner voices.
Great! So splooge away. That’s a really gross word. Maybe strike that from your ten word vocab list? We’re ignoring the eyeballs snark. We’re imaginary, after all. We’re just voices. We’re just voices in the wilderness, ha ha. What’s for High Tea? I believe you were splooging
And then, on the one hundredth anniversary of WWI,
Tangerine Vader drops about a hundred million worth of Tomahawk missiles on a Syrian base. But first, he calls Russia to warn them of this. [Did he also warn Ass-Hat? Did they have a cozy three-way chat about this whole thing? Ugh a bug] And 45 doesn’t call or warn American citizens what’s about to go down or ask Congress to approve or not an actual act of war. Because the Constitution, fuck it! Suddenly…this uncaring asshole of the mating between a hair piece and a snake oil salesman cares about children dying in a war zone? Overnight, seemingly, it suddenly develops some empathy for others?
I just see a huge theatrical gesture here. I see someone trying to get his ratings up. I see someone looking for a ratings boost. I see someone who only cares that his approval ratings go up. That he comes off as tough and manly. That he come off as not a big ole pussy. After all, Obama was ‘weak’ on Syria. Obama was the ‘pussy’ about Syria. That it’s a distraction from domestic troubles. That it deflects attention away from domestic woes. Ooooh, baby.[I’m also starting to have real sympathy for those with Conspiracy Theory Derangement Syndrome, those who splutter about the real 9/11, that we never landed on the moon and that dinosaurs live in the center of our flat earth. Ahem, Russia, ahem.]
And it’s not just me, I checked. I looked around. I read stuff. And not just on one side. I briefly glance at the ‘other side’ and then retreat to the dry slopes of an all-organic oat bran muffin mountain washed down in an artesian water binge while listening to NPR’s three hour tribute to the music of tree frogs as performed on kazoos by slightly gifted students. It’s about balance, man. Balance.
I see a lot of sound and fury, signifying a PR ploy. And done with real goddamn missiles and with a cynical disregard of the situation there in Syria and those living with this war for close to seven years now. And…ugh.
Suddenly, my truly sadheap of a life lately doesn’t seem so…botched and truly bungled.
Self-realization, ah, how smug and shallow I can be, oh yes! I tied it also back to the Fisher King!! And Nietzsche!! Elitist and snowflake-lite am I! Ah, the world’s about to get a taste of WWIII, as played now with nuclear weapons for all, so my stuff doesn’t seem so awful. Ah!! SILVER FUCKING LINING. Diplomacy is for pussies, WWIII for those manly men whose dicks are FULLY ERECT AND READY TO SHOW THE WORLD JUST HOW ERECT THEY ACTUALLY ARE. Let the manly seed flow like water! Like water!! RAWRRRRRR.
That is seriously my take of all this three-way posturing among Tangerine Vader, Putie and Ass-Hat AKA Assad. It’s just a global My Dick Is Yuge, No, My Dick Is Huger contest. Sort of like the war right now between Christianity and Islam– it’s a Dick-Off. The Super-Colossal World Death Match on Whose God Has the Biggest Set of Male Funsies Contest. The losers get to die, a lot. In bigly ways. In horrible ghastly thoroughly televised ways! You can also throw in other major or minor religions that sport Super-Alpha male deities. Go ahead, it’s okay with me.
Can’t we hire three people to walk around with these three world ‘leaders’ and tell them, constantly, how manly they are? [Possibly do with this with all insecure dictator wannabes and actual dictators? What about a GofundMe campaign to help defray costs?] Can we get that into some UN meeting or into Congress or…? It’s job creation, look at it that way. It’s capitalism. It’s a blow to socialism! It’s people pulling their own weight at last! You’d have to hire, actually, about fifteen to twenty people per dictator wannabe or actual dictator. Nine to cover all the shifts– seven to three, three to eleven, eleven to seven. As even in sleep, manly leaders need to feel reassured. Even when asleep, the constant praise must not cease to be! And then hire some additional on-call folks when people get sick or need a mental health day. These Dick Whisperers can ring bells or make some sort of noise while their Fragile Boys are in public. “Your Penis is Magnificent! Your Penis Outshines the Sun! Women Find Your Penis Very Nice!”
For women dictators, we can hire guys and dress them in kilts. They can tell her she’s beautiful and smart and that of course dominating a country doesn’t make her less feminine. Her oatmeal cookies just hit the spot! Her math skills rival Einstein on his best day. Her excellent and keen fashion sense rivals her policy of brutally suppressing artists who paint her as the fat lady in a sideshow for being great. Then those guys in kilts can accidentally get caught in a high wind. She gets a glimpse of naughty bits, gets praised for her least little thing and they get paid a comfortable salary. Win-win, baby. Win-win.
[All of the above would also depend on the woman in question. She might not be able to make cookies, after all. Not all women can bake, sadly. #NotAllWomen]
Can we get someone ON THIS, PLEASE? Can we get someone to actually plan out and execute this Dick Whisperer campaign? Not me. Someone else who’s not me. I came up with the idea. Now the rest of you can pick up the damn slack. We’re all in this together.
Wow, that went to a weird, dark, penis-laced place, didn’t it?
Because…trying to make sense of the events this week has made me a cynical, numb just want to shoot some horse and float off to Narnia kinda burned out empty shell. Where’s Aslan to save the day and rip the face off the Orange Queen? [Yeah, I know it’s the White Queen. I know. Thanks.] It’s the absurdly awful use of an actual fucking tragedy, the cynical taking of a chemical attack and using it like toilet paper to wipe away shit from your own political asscrack and holding that toilet paper up with a shark’s empty grin that just made me grind to an actual halt.
“See? I’s a caring big boy who carez. See?? I’s so manly! I’s a president! How are my numbers? Did my numbers go up?? Check my score!! I need to go golfing. This is hard! Why is Brian on Twitter so mean to me?? Can we nuke Des Moines? I’m nuking Des Moines. Take that, Brian! Yuse got sleepy eyes!”
Yes, time for some organic oat bran muffins and a dirty used syringe full of smack. Do the kiddies still call it smack? Must go look that up now on Urban Dictionary.
PS or Afterword or Background Noise— I really will come back to the Fisher King for a non-political hysterical penis-flavored rant on world events some day soon. Probably tomorrow or even later today.
I totally botched this interview this week; oh honey, did I come off as stupid, stupid and idiotically stupid, oh yes. I bungled and botched a grammar question. I about burst into tears I was so mortified. And then, because I’d driven a bit of ways to reveal what a true numbskull I am, the interviewer ‘nicely’ threw some questions at me. Guess who botched and bungled that as well?? ME!! Moi sucks at job interviews.
And yesterday I crowned myself as Queen of the Bad Interviewers. I might have to make myself a crown out of my joke of a resume, my hopes and dreams and some glitter. Yay!! I might even add some stuff I find in the bottom of the fridge, that grurdge that has dried to a permanent fixture on the very back. Grurdge, a mixture of syrup, ketchup, splattered leftover juices and assorted substances that surely came from other planets to come try life on the inner walls of the fridge. No amount of elbow grease will actually remove all traces of grurdge. I know, once a year or so, I do try to get the grurdge to migrate to another family for a home. It just grunts at me, tells me to think positive thoughts, that it’s up to me to make the day a good day or a bad day. I splash Dollar Store bleach on it and let it be. We call it a draw and declare we both have Yuge Genitals of War-Like Ferocity and both of us are happy. Amen.
PSS– this is a last shout out to me for predicting the universe would drop a hammer on my head. Interview. Hammer. [I take no responsibility that I turn into a deer in headlights, that I’m maxed out on the stress meter, that my reaction to interviewing is on par with getting root canal surgery without the nice numbing agents, that…yep.]
And yet another Post Script thingie– the GOP used the nuclear option to push through Neil Sucks Whores, or whatever his name is. [Gorsuch. Confirmed as Supreme Court Justice April 7, 2017. Leadership means fuck the rules and Constitution and everything else and just do what you want. Got it. Heroin and Positive Life Slogan Exchange later, everyone? I’ll text the details whenever I get around to putting minutes on my Trac phone. Later, gators!]