Alternative Oregon Facts

from the Oregon Trail Game

So, it’s Friday, it’s trying to rain atop the many inches of snow, it’s Post-Groundhog Day, I’m feeling impish.

Or rather a profound horrifying despair over the world in general and my country in particular. That might just be me being a total snoftknocker. I’m a writer, kitty cats, I can make up words if I want. Bigly words if I wanna! But, let’s go with ‘impish’. My inner imp is awake, she’s been napping. Well, sort of. She’s always pestering me to be a complete and utter force against which the Evil Empire indifferently snorts at. Her name is Violet Bobbi Jo and she loves sesame seeds. Yeah, who doesn’t? She’s so edgy, not. Remember that trend? To write something, then write the negative right after? I’m so on your side…NOT. Remember that?? Are we meant to remember that? Did it actually happen?

I’m letting my other imps, demons, inner monsters and assorted creatures that stomp about in my brain distract me. They refuse to stay spanked or to learn any lessons. They are immune to positive quotes, stern scoldings disguised as ‘tough talk’ and bribes of any kind, except cheesecake. Something in the chocolate raspberry cheesecake oeuvre makes them toe the line for about two and a half minutes every other decade.

Ah, alternative facts for Oregon. I washed my hair this morn and my mind went, alternative facts for Oregon, how funny would that be? Probably not funny at all, I’m not a comedy writer…which is quite another demon who’s very negative and thinks I can’t write at all and should go into dead animal removal like my mother always wished for me. I ignore that particular Negative Nellydemon about twenty percent of the time. She’s like a jar of mayo in the fridge, when you don’t like mayo but you use it for things like deviled eggs or potato salad, even though you rarely make either one. That’s what Nelly is like. Exactly like that. Oh the dog below is chasing a goose. Margot passed away and the goose is probably not that lively, either.

from Everything Doormats

Okay!! Alternative Facts for the Great Beaver State. No, seriously, my home state is called the Beaver State. Because of trapping beavers, not…yeah. Ahem.

1– IN OREGON, DUCKS HAVE MORE RIGHTS THAN STRAIGHT WHITE CHRISTIAN MALES. Oh those wacky Portland hippies and their hold over my state! Ducks have more rights than men! Thanks, hippie Portland! Must be all the Voodoo Donuts!

2–IN OREGON, MASTURBATION IS LEGAL BUT ONLY IF YOU DO SO TO IMAGES OF MOUNT HOOD OR CRATER LAKE. We welcome all kinds of people here, don’t despair! We’re not anti-anything, but we do have limits.

3– IN OREGON, ONCE A YEAR YOU MUST PERFORM A RITUAL SACRIFICE TO SATAN. THAT’S WHY OREGON IS SO GREEN AND SUCH A GREAT PLACE TO LIVE. BECAUSE OF OUR PACT WITH THE LORD OF FLIES. Make sure you get your paperwork in and postmarked in a timely manner. Send this to Salem, of course. Portland is the alternative state capital, but all official paperwork has to go off to Salem. Yes, there’s a Salem, Oregon. I know. It’s confusing.

4–IN OREGON, ANYTHING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF BEND IS CONSIDERED IDAHO. Uh, that one is actually true, more or less. How many times have I heard– we might as well be Idaho? A lot. I hear that a lot during my extended stays in East Oregonia. There’s a great divide between Bend and the ‘rest of the state’. If I’ve noticed it, well, that means at least three or four others have, as well. Yay? Oh, also, while we’re talking so intimately about imaginary borders within the state of Oregon– there are two time zones at work. If you go past Farewell Bend, you’ll find yourself in the Pacific Time Zone. Extreme Oregon East is on Mountain Time…It’s spooky. You drive a bit past Farewell Bend there off the Snake River and boom, you LOSE AN HOUR. Where did it go?? Not even Jesus knows. Not even Jesus.

5–IN OREGON, NOBODY WEARS UNDERWEAR. Underwear is for the man, man!

6–IN OREGON, EVERYONE GETS A POTTED PLANET FROM THE GOVERNOR. If you are a legal resident– and that takes being born in either Bend, Eugene or Portland– and have not received your spider plant, your aloe vera or your mini rose bush [you only get a choice of one, not all three, calm down!], please send an Oregon-themed postcard to the appropriate agency. You can find this listed on the Oregonians-Only secret government website that only real Oregonians are privy to.

7--IN OREGON, THERE ARE NO BALD PEOPLE. Everyone here has lots and lots of hair. It’s our killer climate, our history of utter tolerance and love for all sorts and our wig surplus problem which the Oregon lawmakers solved by making baldness illegal. Yay! It’s Statute 776655409.9, if you don’t believe me. Look it up.

8–IN OREGON, OUR TSUNAMI WARNING SIGNS ARE ORGANIC, VEGAN, CAGE FREE, RANGE FREE, NO PESTICIDES, FAIR TRADE, GOOD LABOR, WOMAN-FRIENDLY, RECYCLED, NON-GMO AND OTHERWISE REALLY GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT, PEOPLE, PETS, JESUS AND WOMEN. Oregon has the best signs! We rock with our signs! I looked for a specific Oregon Tsunami sign, because it would be totally awesome and show I wasn’t lying at all about how awesomely wonderful our signs are, but…it seems jealous sorts have blocked such signs. I’m blaming Idaho. Might even be that sneaky Northern California. Those sneaky bastards!

9–IN OREGON, YOU MUST COME UP WITH NINE LIES ABOUT OREGON. Oh my gosh, what lies?? There are no lies here, only truth. Bigly truth! Alternative facts here only! Facts come and go, but Oregon is forever.

Below is a random shot from Beijing, China. Because all rambling blog posts should end with a random shot from China. I took it, by the way. I’ve been to Beijing, more than once. I used to live there. In China. I put that on resumes and in random bios I have to write and now, here’s evidence. I’d write the word ‘proof’ but apparently that’s used in terms of math stuff so now I get gun-shy [tee hee, guns, tee hee] using that word. Oh hell.





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